Who I was who I am

I am no longer the person that you want me to be.

I don’t crawl in the dark towards drinks and your arms

when in the light they stay locked in your pockets- no charm

and your eyes never reach my face

Don’t make me feel like I did that night

don’t ask me to be that girl - its not right

how as adults we find solace as temporary as an eclipse

that blocks out my ability to say no to this

Your loneliness is your own deal

don’t use me and abuse what affections I feel

towards you- and anyone- who is in my life strong

to satisfy a craving, only to actually prolong

the journey to who God intended you to be

faithful, respectful, and honoring all women- even me.

I want to fix you

but now i know why

my mother is broken

and i always would try

to fix

her.

and i couldn’t.

I can’t.

I won’t.

she is that way.

and won’t change.

ever.

and you won’t change either.

I can’t be your tether

to reality and to the Lord.

That is all on you.

Avoidance

I don’t want

I don’t want at all

I don’t want anything to touch me

to make me feel

anything

my heart is wary

distant

wanting so strongly the distance to grow

between it and all

burning bridges to protect

cooling embers

in a dank dark

comfort

why do I want to feel ever?

it moves, changes, pushes and grows

my walls are solid and thick

don’t make me break them down

I don’t want this

I don’t want this

I don’t want this

but what is this?

A split in the wall

piercing light

severs the dark from the dank

shows my withering heart the damage it caused to itself

the lies that it believed

the pain it grasped so tightly

the loneliness it blamed on others

I will run. I will run from the light to a place where I can be dark and dank

where all are distant

wary

wanting

I will lie. I will lie to myself that I’m in control, reaching for goals

that haven’t been granted

thick

thrashing

through the dream of vulnerability and peace and connections and being seen

I believe. I believe what I learn about myself from the powers that do lies best

Led to light.

A low glow.

gentle.

warm.

calming.

I don’t want to loosen my grip don’t make me do it I’m in love with my control it is serving me well I’m successful people like who they think i am and I can fake it as long as I have control i’m good at control I want control give me control let me control PLEASE!!!

I’m tired.

You are rest.

I’m frantic.

You are peace.

I’m lonely.

You are connection.

I’m invisible.

You see me.

I’m silent.

You beg me to speak.

Why do you want to love me? I’m unloveable. I don’t have this ability, so don’t waste your time. I’m only going to disappoint you like I’ve disappointed all of them. Like i’ve disappointed me. Like I’ll disappoint you. I’ll disappoint you. Don’t make me even try because I’ll disappoint you.

Let me be. Leave me alone. Turn out the light. It is easier in the dark. It is easier to shrink. It is easier to lay low and wait for the end. Don’t touch me.

Why are you still here. You’re not welcome here.

Please don’t say you love me. I’ve wanted love for so long I don’t have the energy to search for it anymore. Please don’t lie to me. You’re not lying to me? Prove it. I can’t trust what I don’t know. I know darkness. I know loneliness. It is predictable.

You say your love is predictable, but I am not sure.

The glow is back! Turn it off!

Being warm always goes away, so please, turn that off! It is easier to be cold all the time than to know warmth temporarily.

Your warmth is not constant. This is a lie?

So you’re telling me that I can just ask, and I’ll find. Who ARE you?

I can’t seek. I’m too tired. Can you please come to me? Find me?

Do you have any idea what I have been through? Do you have any clue about the pain I’m holding? Protecting? Feeding? Growing? This is my friend. Don’t take my friend away, because I don’t know what would replace it. Who. I will die if you take it away.

I won’t die. Don’t make me laugh.

Trust you. NO.

I don’t do that anymore. I … it never turned out well. I always lost myself. I don’t know how to trust.

I … please. Don’t make me trust. I can only have so much pain as a friend. I can only feed so much pain.

Trust was a black hole for me each time.

You’ll carry me? How strong are you? I have a lot of baggage. I’m really heavy.

You’re soft.

You’re warm.

You are firm.

I feel secure.

Where were you when my mom couldn’t hold me?

Where were you when my dad ignored me?

Where were you when my life was crumbling around me?

Where were you when I was so lonely I wanted to die?

Where were you when my shame was all I knew?

Where were you when my confusion clouded everything?

Where were you when I became mom?

Where were you when I wanted to be loved?

This hurts! Don’t make me feel this! Don’t, please! I don’t want this out! I want this all alone in a dark place so  I can protect it and have a friend with me all the time. Stop!! make it stop!! why is this happening???! I want to pity myself longer than I have!!! My secrets were my secrets were my pride were my ego were my fuel!!!

You’re still holding me and I don’t know why.

You’re pressing me into you.

You’re letting me cry into your clothing.

I’m messing you up, but you don’t care.

You won’t yell at me?

I don’t embarrass you? You want me to stay in your arms?

But why?

You like holding me? Why? I’m not lovable.

Please don’t let me go!

Please don’t ever let me go! Can I cling to you? Can I bury my face in your cloak? You won’t be angry? I won’t annoy you?

You cradle me, and allow me to cry. I pound on your chest, angry for things that I’ve done to me. I collapse out of exhaustion, and you pull me closer in your embrace. You cover me with your cloak.

I feel your body strain to reach a branch with your free arm to help pull us out of the valley we are in. You climb slowly, gently, as to not jostle me as I slowly whimper. I occasionally panic and flail, pushing against you, but you hold me tight, you stop, rest, and rock me back to calm, repeating your promises to me in whatever way I need to hear them.

We are still climbing.

Best slide show EVER. Seriously.

a swell of emotion hits me when I see this. obvees some are sentimental, and the effort and thought put into our entire good bye party melts my heart and makes me mourn leaving this place.

but this slide show is completely wonderful on another plane: JUST WATCH. :) :) :)

More later :)

Spring Randoms!

At the top of Jiao Shan.

(this was last fall- i lied a little bit.)

May holiday in BeiDaiHe. Finally not the tallest female in sight.

Before a run.

Taking pictures around campus with my student, Sunshine. :)

Every morning, I wake up and make myself french-press coffee.

I drink it while I read, answer emails and eat breakfast.

I love you, my coffee.

Brett and I sing together at a coffee shop that belongs to our friend, Tony.

It has turned into a weekly (sometimes twice) affair.

We bring an audience, then we get free coffee and drinks. Aaaand we get to perform?

NOT a bad deal.

This is Tony. In front of his coffee shop. Tony is a huge goof-ball, and loves to entertain.

He is also a talented movie maker.

I actually didn't see him run and slide into this picture until I already took it.

haaaaaa....

This was late one night after we performed, and some of Brett's former colleague's grabbed his guitar and the microphones. After some liquid courage, they started to sing songs about robots. Songs that their students wrote specifically about robots. They were just putting it to tunes, and then making robot masks out of empty boxes and dancing to it.

Brett and I were in awe. Neither of us had ever seen anything like it...

SO GLAD I HAVE PHOTOS.

I like flowers. Especially hibiscus.

While the May Team was here, we went out with Grandpa Poppy with about 12 students that we've had an amazing time getting to know this year.

Grandpa Poppy treated us to dessert at KFC after giving all of the students gifts from America. They were in heaven!

This is me, making an emphatic point (is there any other kind? seriously).

Olympic Park late one night walking back from Sci Tech with Heidi and Amelia.

I am in love with this sculpture.

Roses are in bloom. They smell amazing- a positive alternative to the occasional sewer smell

that would greet us at this corner.

marriage is what brings us together in China

Tim and Michelle got married! Their wedding was on May 21, and was arranged to fall on the first weekend that the May Team would be in Qinhuangdao so that family and friends from home could also share in the marital celebration :)

I was commissioned to make five (5) cheesecakes for the reception dessert. We don't have beaters in China readily available, so I used blenders. Lemons are also scant, so I used lime juice from America. I ran out of vanilla, so I used almond extract. We don't have heavy cream or sour cream at reasonable prices, so I used yogurt. It turned out GREAT.

Seriously. I'm using these substitutions in America.

Reception settings, and Chinese wine. (One should have a few glasses before actually enjoying it, in my opinion.)

The gorgeous bride and the handsome groom during the reception. We had an American style wedding with heavy Chinese influence. I think that would be the best description of the event. :)

No wedding (or store opening, restaurant opening, holiday, moving into a new residence, etc.) would be complete without a roll of fire crackers. Heart shaped, naturally.

The whole team, plus spouses :)

Such a good wedding!

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Since we are all teachers of Chinese students who are dyyyyying to know what an American wedding is like, we decided to reenact the event on the volleyball courts for the entirety of the school. Really, there were so many students watching, some teachers had to physically hold/push them back.

This image doesn't even begin to capture the chaos.

Dane, sporting his eclectic formal get-up;

essentially, a perfect metaphor for the entire second wedding. :)

So, because it was an American wedding, Tim and Michelle had bridesmaids and groomsmen. Nine of each, naturally.

If you were an American, and in nice attire, you were in the wedding party.

...and there's our sound guy, just... hanging out... in the wedding party... during the ceremony. As he lit up and exhaled absentmindedly, Kevin and Justin's faces were priceless...

Every student had their cell phones out. I wonder how many images of Michelle and Tim (and all of us, for that matter) are floating around on the Chinese interwebs...

------------

It really did take a village effort to pull this event off, and everyone- the May Team, Tim's family, ELT Edge Teachers, ELIC Teachers, and students made this day go wonderfully and smoothly. We are all so thankful!

Where my heart has been this whole time.

I love my students.

I have not written much about any of them in this blog.

Sometimes when I think about them,

and how great they are,

and how precious they are,

and how much they are so hungry for knowledge and eager to learn,

my heart feels so big it wants to burst.

Our last week of class, I told them all to bring their favorite snacks to class.

And to prepare a song to sing.

My class monitor replied to that message with a passionate, "are you serious i am so excited you will not be dissappointed!!!!!?"

Oh, my goodness, I wasn't(!!!!!?)

He brought his electric piano. If anything, I was worried he was too exuberant for the amount of talent I assumed he had. WAS I WRONG.

He played a Chopin Waltz- one that I do not own, so I can't remember the name. (bagh...) but his passion and talent came POURING out.

His fingers moved so fast; his interpretation of how it should be played was immaculate, and where his little keyboard fell short in range, he made up for in creative adaptations that you wouldn't catch if you didn't know the song.

And this was all from memory. A 13 minute piece from memory. How this child had the time to memorize this, as well as take the college entrance exam, as well as being student in China is beyond me.

This is one of my dearest student friends; he is filming the piano player. This student is like a father to the class. The most emotionally intelligent student I have met yet; he is affirming, kind, generous, and hilaaaaarious.

He has a twin brother who he says is his exact opposite. I need to meet him!

As one of the other students was taking their turn singing their favorite song, she began to forget the words. To encourage her, the students in the back began to wave their arms back and forth- beautiful.

Class picture of my second class of freshman. A bit quieter, but VERY attentive and loving. They have already created a strong community within their class.

This is my third freshman class. I love them so much. I love all of my students, so me typing this feels REALLY redundant, but seriously. I do.

As I was saying my last few words to them, three girls were crying in the back.

I really do. I love them so much.

A Few Things

I'm sure many of you feel the same, whether you're in the U.S. or in a land farther away (if that's possible) : THIS SPRING WENT BY SO UNBELIEVABLY FAST. March 1 hit, and it has been full throttle ever since. IT STILL IS. So the first short, however very sincere, thing is that I apologize. I apologize for not writing as much as I should have, and for not giving you the appropriate amount of updates that I, at one point, promised I would.

Second thing: i've been in China for approximately nine months total by this point, yet sights still do not cease to amaze me. Among some horrible things that I won't put in a blog post, I have also seen things that tickle me- most often they occur right outside my apartment, on the street with all the food vendors. Most recently, the cabbage truck is my favorite. This tall, tipsy truck decides to pick an arbitrary spot on a lawn who's owner is ambiguous enough that it feels comfortable enough to park, and it parks. WIth it's back end facing the street, the door unlatches to reveal a 10 foot high WALL of cabbage, perfectly lined up and stacked, like a tessalation or pattern of those blocks you get in elementary school that lets you make those really sweet designs. People just come by, and participate in a shady looking interaction, and then proceed on their way- if there was a cabbage black market, this would certainly belong.

Buuuut I don't have a picture, because everytime I have seen said truck, I am on a run, and I don't take my camera with me. Sorry.

Third thing: Pig not in a blanket. in a VAN. Stay with me on this street, but just turn around and head east for about 10 yards. You will see a meat vendor at a stand with slabs of butchered animal hanging behind him. Not a rare sight, (actually it's ALL rare!! I didn't try to do that, it just happened) so I don't even blink as I pass. But two nights ago, Heidi and I went for a walk, and they must have been recieving a delivery or something, because there it was. A pig in a van. Not a live one, but if you took the two halves you saw, that were cut nose to navel, just laying on the floor of the van and super-glued them perfectly back together, you could have mistaken the pig as perhaps sleeping??

It was such a fascinating sight that I just stopped, back tracked, and inspected as the vendors commented on and laughed about the american looking at a dead pig. At least it didn't smell of formaldehyde... Don't worry, I've never bought meet from them before, nor do I plan to. :)

Fourth thing: At our school, Northeast University at Qinhuangdao, the foreign teachers have a cooperating teacher that answers our culture questions, takes care of our apartments, organizes and works on our provincial and city visas, accompanies us to our doctor's appointments (if needed), and is the liaison during the hiring process. This person's English name is Henry. Henry is one of the most mellow, relaxed, soft spoken people I have ever met in my life. So chill, in fact, that when he smiles it seems as though it takes a LOT of effort, and that when one's cheeks would normally pull up, his pull out and stretch to the side, making it look a bit strained. Whatever, each to his own... (I guess) but due to this odd stoicism juxtaposed next to our team's happy-go-lucky m.o., we decided to make it our goal to make him laugh.

I succeeded.

It was so simple: I was excited to play with the foreign language department in the annual volleyball tournament at our school. Henry asked me how I was at volleyball, and if I was planning on joining them for the games. Without considering cultural norms/boundaries, or his general demeanor, I exclaimed loudly, in rapid-fire style, in an echo-y hallway, "YES I can't WAIT. I love playing volleyball- are we good? are you playing, Henry? Yeah, BRING IT ON!" ...as I bounce on my toes and playfully punch the air like a boxer warming up.

His eyes widened, he opened his mouth, and LAUGHED. A bonified LAUGH.

cool. I'll take it.

But then the conclusion to that interaction ended as awkwardly as any other conversation between a native Mandarin speaker and a native English speaker could. He stopped laughing as quickly as he started, turned abruptly into the room he was unlocking, and I, sensing the conversation had stopped, walked away. Later than comfortable, I hear him quietly say, "see you then. Yes, have a good night."

You too, Henry. You too. (oiy)