Who I was who I am

I am no longer the person that you want me to be.

I don’t crawl in the dark towards drinks and your arms

when in the light they stay locked in your pockets- no charm

and your eyes never reach my face

Don’t make me feel like I did that night

don’t ask me to be that girl - its not right

how as adults we find solace as temporary as an eclipse

that blocks out my ability to say no to this

Your loneliness is your own deal

don’t use me and abuse what affections I feel

towards you- and anyone- who is in my life strong

to satisfy a craving, only to actually prolong

the journey to who God intended you to be

faithful, respectful, and honoring all women- even me.

I want to fix you

but now i know why

my mother is broken

and i always would try

to fix

her.

and i couldn’t.

I can’t.

I won’t.

she is that way.

and won’t change.

ever.

and you won’t change either.

I can’t be your tether

to reality and to the Lord.

That is all on you.

Avoidance

I don’t want

I don’t want at all

I don’t want anything to touch me

to make me feel

anything

my heart is wary

distant

wanting so strongly the distance to grow

between it and all

burning bridges to protect

cooling embers

in a dank dark

comfort

why do I want to feel ever?

it moves, changes, pushes and grows

my walls are solid and thick

don’t make me break them down

I don’t want this

I don’t want this

I don’t want this

but what is this?

A split in the wall

piercing light

severs the dark from the dank

shows my withering heart the damage it caused to itself

the lies that it believed

the pain it grasped so tightly

the loneliness it blamed on others

I will run. I will run from the light to a place where I can be dark and dank

where all are distant

wary

wanting

I will lie. I will lie to myself that I’m in control, reaching for goals

that haven’t been granted

thick

thrashing

through the dream of vulnerability and peace and connections and being seen

I believe. I believe what I learn about myself from the powers that do lies best

Led to light.

A low glow.

gentle.

warm.

calming.

I don’t want to loosen my grip don’t make me do it I’m in love with my control it is serving me well I’m successful people like who they think i am and I can fake it as long as I have control i’m good at control I want control give me control let me control PLEASE!!!

I’m tired.

You are rest.

I’m frantic.

You are peace.

I’m lonely.

You are connection.

I’m invisible.

You see me.

I’m silent.

You beg me to speak.

Why do you want to love me? I’m unloveable. I don’t have this ability, so don’t waste your time. I’m only going to disappoint you like I’ve disappointed all of them. Like i’ve disappointed me. Like I’ll disappoint you. I’ll disappoint you. Don’t make me even try because I’ll disappoint you.

Let me be. Leave me alone. Turn out the light. It is easier in the dark. It is easier to shrink. It is easier to lay low and wait for the end. Don’t touch me.

Why are you still here. You’re not welcome here.

Please don’t say you love me. I’ve wanted love for so long I don’t have the energy to search for it anymore. Please don’t lie to me. You’re not lying to me? Prove it. I can’t trust what I don’t know. I know darkness. I know loneliness. It is predictable.

You say your love is predictable, but I am not sure.

The glow is back! Turn it off!

Being warm always goes away, so please, turn that off! It is easier to be cold all the time than to know warmth temporarily.

Your warmth is not constant. This is a lie?

So you’re telling me that I can just ask, and I’ll find. Who ARE you?

I can’t seek. I’m too tired. Can you please come to me? Find me?

Do you have any idea what I have been through? Do you have any clue about the pain I’m holding? Protecting? Feeding? Growing? This is my friend. Don’t take my friend away, because I don’t know what would replace it. Who. I will die if you take it away.

I won’t die. Don’t make me laugh.

Trust you. NO.

I don’t do that anymore. I … it never turned out well. I always lost myself. I don’t know how to trust.

I … please. Don’t make me trust. I can only have so much pain as a friend. I can only feed so much pain.

Trust was a black hole for me each time.

You’ll carry me? How strong are you? I have a lot of baggage. I’m really heavy.

You’re soft.

You’re warm.

You are firm.

I feel secure.

Where were you when my mom couldn’t hold me?

Where were you when my dad ignored me?

Where were you when my life was crumbling around me?

Where were you when I was so lonely I wanted to die?

Where were you when my shame was all I knew?

Where were you when my confusion clouded everything?

Where were you when I became mom?

Where were you when I wanted to be loved?

This hurts! Don’t make me feel this! Don’t, please! I don’t want this out! I want this all alone in a dark place so  I can protect it and have a friend with me all the time. Stop!! make it stop!! why is this happening???! I want to pity myself longer than I have!!! My secrets were my secrets were my pride were my ego were my fuel!!!

You’re still holding me and I don’t know why.

You’re pressing me into you.

You’re letting me cry into your clothing.

I’m messing you up, but you don’t care.

You won’t yell at me?

I don’t embarrass you? You want me to stay in your arms?

But why?

You like holding me? Why? I’m not lovable.

Please don’t let me go!

Please don’t ever let me go! Can I cling to you? Can I bury my face in your cloak? You won’t be angry? I won’t annoy you?

You cradle me, and allow me to cry. I pound on your chest, angry for things that I’ve done to me. I collapse out of exhaustion, and you pull me closer in your embrace. You cover me with your cloak.

I feel your body strain to reach a branch with your free arm to help pull us out of the valley we are in. You climb slowly, gently, as to not jostle me as I slowly whimper. I occasionally panic and flail, pushing against you, but you hold me tight, you stop, rest, and rock me back to calm, repeating your promises to me in whatever way I need to hear them.

We are still climbing.